


Despite it all, I'm Happy

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [12]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27310642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Something's up with Buck, but he's not telling. No one else even seems to notice all the faked smiles and laughter, not like Eddie does. But he's afraid of pushing too hard.He's happier, lately. Chris, his family, the team - and especially Buck - make him happier than he's been in a long time.Eddie doesn't want to put that all at risk. Not now, while it still feels so new.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 35
Kudos: 304





	Despite it all, I'm Happy

**Author's Note:**

> Tada! Here's a treat for everyone today. ;)
> 
> I have been working on this and struggling with it here or there for the past few months. But I'm still very much eager to write out more of this series, don't worry. I have so many plans.
> 
> Why did this take so long? Writer's block, some real life issues, some emotional/mental health issues... Life's been A Lot lately. I hope that the long wait, though, has been worth it for you readers and that things have been well for you.
> 
> Please enjoy! :)

Buck came into work with a frown and tight shoulders.

Eddie paused, watching him not quite stomp into the locker room from upstairs, and exchanged a glance with Hen. 

“Any ideas?”

Eddie shook his head, looking back downstairs. Buck had left early the other night from dinner at Abuela’s because he’d had plans with Maddie. He had apologized to not just Eddie but Abuela probably a dozen times at least before going, a tupperware of dessert clutched in one hand. 

This was not how Buck normally acted after spending some time with his sister.

“Wanna play for it?” Hen asked, jokingly.

Eddie snorted, dragging his eyes away and back to her, smirking. “Sure.”

Hen had a tell. Eddie could have won the game of rock paper scissors, but….

He shook his head, slipping past her and heading down the stairs. Buck was sitting on the bench, staring at the floor. His hands were held between his knees, the knuckles standing out starkly white. The line of his shoulders was still tense.

“Buck?”

He didn’t quite twitch, though something close to it maybe. Buck definitely didn’t acknowledge Eddie.

“What’s up, man?” Eddie asked quietly, coming to straddle the bench and searching for some sign of what was going on, what was wrong. “Did you and Maddie have a fight or…?”

“No.” Buck shook his head once, sharply. “It’s nothing.”

“Clearly it’s not nothing.” Eddie cast a glance out towards the rest of the station, but no one was in sight. Carefully, Eddie set a hand over Buck’s, squeezing. “Hey, c’mon. What’s wrong?”

Buck swallowed, throat working twice. His jaw was clenched shut tightly, and he just shook his head.

Eddie was feeling almost mildly alarmed now. Buck’s eyes were too shiny, and he was very much refusing to look anywhere but straight ahead.

“Buck.”

Buck sucked in a sharp breath, shoving himself to his feet and to his locker, though he didn’t really do anything after he opened it to stick his head in there. He cleared his throat, but his voice was still thick and rough. “I’m fine. I’ll be up in a minute.”

Eddie watched him for a moment. He wasn’t - he wanted to push, but he wasn’t sure he should. Not here, at least, not while they were working, not when Buck was so clearly holding himself together by a thread.

He’d make sure Buck came over tonight, he decided. No arguments allowed, no brushing it off - Eddie was gonna make sure Buck came home with him, and they’d have dinner with Chris, and Eddie would get what was wrong out of him somehow.

By the time Buck had joined the rest of the team upstairs, whatever had been bothering him was so well tucked away that - if Eddie hadn’t seen him downstairs - he probably would have believed nothing was bothering Buck.

It unsettled Eddie. Buck could hide what he felt so well,  _ pretend _ so perfectly, that Eddie would even struggle to tell. How many other times had this been going on and Eddie hadn’t noticed? Did any of the others realize Buck could do this -  _ did _ do this? It wasn’t like Buck did it all the time. There were plenty of times, some of them very memorable, that Buck hadn’t hidden how upset he was at all from them. 

So why now? What was different?

...Besides their relationship. Because… that couldn’t be the only thing that was different. 

Unless Buck was upset with Eddie somehow? But he’d been  _ fine _ the other night, Eddie couldn’t think of anything they’d even slightly bickered about, let alone a disagreement that would have led to Buck being upset this morning over. They’d been fine.

Right?

Eddie tried not to dwell on it. He really did. He’d been working with Frank on that, sort of, not jumping to conclusions that things were always his fault. That there were other issues, that sometimes people had their own shit going on that had nothing to actually do with him.

It wasn’t… easy.

He didn’t manage to convince Buck to come over that night, but Buck promised to join him and Chris for dinner the next night. It didn’t feel like enough - felt like maybe Buck was avoiding him, like maybe the reason he was upset did have something to do with Eddie - but he pushed it all back and down, tried not to worry about it.

They worked late on Saturday; Chris was already in bed by the time Eddie got home. Carla gave him a pat on the arm and told him to get some sleep as she left. Eddie stumbled into his shower, planning to just rinse off.

He ended up standing there, half asleep, for more than the quick rinse he had planned. The water felt good hitting his shoulders, and the warmth of it all was relaxing and it was a lot of effort to drag himself out of the shower and dry off. He dressed with his eyes mostly closed and collapsed right into bed, asleep within minutes.

It didn’t last long.

Eddie couldn’t quite remember what had happened in the dream - the nightmare. It all blended into a confusing mess once he woke up, a flash of Buck after the ladder truck here and the hauntingly familiar gunfire from years ago there. What stuck with him was the yawning terror in his chest, so large but empty that he could barely breathe. 

He sucked in as deep a breath as he could and held it. Until it burned, and then further still until he couldn’t anymore. He felt almost dizzy and fuzzy after, fingers clenching in his bedsheets as he hunched forward a bit, gasping a few times before he held his breath again. Then again.

When the panic wasn’t lighting up his body anymore and he could breathe mostly normal, he slumped back against his pillows with a heavy sigh. He fumbled around at the bedside until he found his phone, pulling it over and checking the time.

He’d only been asleep for a couple hours. 

Closing his eyes again, Eddie muttered a few choice curses before he pushed the blankets off and got to his feet. He was tempted to just go sit on the couch, watch some of whatever was on TV this late. Instead, he grabbed some clean sheets from the hall and switched them sweat-damp ones in his bed out. He got himself some water from the kitchen and made himself drink it, one sip at a time, until it was gone. 

He really was fucking exhausted.

By the time Eddie stumbled his way back to his bed and crashed into the clean, cool sheets, he was halfway back to sleeping. 

He didn’t sleep  _ well _ or  _ deeply _ the rest of the night. But it was better than staring mindlessly at the TV for a few hours, he supposed. He got up before Chris did, taking a better shower than the night before, making himself some coffee. 

“Hey, buddy,” Eddie greeted when Chris came into the kitchen, hair sticking up every which direction and rubbing his eyes under his glasses. 

“Morning,” Chris mumbled, taking a seat at the table. “Breakfast?” he asked hopefully.

Eddie grinned. “I was thinking maybe we go out before we head to the park later.”

Chris’ whole face lit up, and Eddie laughed as Chris leapt up and hurried as fast as he could down the hall to get dressed. Eddie finished his cup of coffee, made sure he had everything, helped Chris finish getting ready, and they were soon on their way.

It was something Eddie always treasured, getting to spend time with Chris. He’d missed out on so much, before, and he never wanted to repeat that mistake now. They had breakfast, and went to the park, and ran some errands to the store afterwards. 

They hadn’t even started getting ready to head to dinner at Abuela’s when Buck showed up.

“Hey,” Eddie said, surprised. Buck usually met them there, if he hadn’t already spent the day with them. Things had still been… a bit off all week, as Buck refused to say anything about what had upset him after his visit with Maddie. Eddie caught him sometimes staring at his phone, jaw tight, or frowning absently when no one was really watching him. But otherwise, Buck acted like he was fine.

Eddie wasn’t really so sure about it, though. 

He also wasn’t sure how to bring it up without pushing. 

Buck gave him a big grin, clapping a hand to his shoulder as he stepped inside and past Eddie. Eddie shut the door, frowning as he watched Buck pick Chris up and give a half-spin before setting him down and ruffling his hair.

“So I was thinking,” Buck said as Eddie joined them, “That we could take my jeep to Abuela’s. It’s more fun than a truck,” he said with a wink at Chris.

Chris grinned, delighted looking.

Buck tossed Eddie a look, a smile on his face and a brow raised.

Like he didn’t think Eddie could see the tension still in his jaw, the way his eyes were just a bit too wide.

“Sure,” Eddie said slowly.

“It’s safe,” Buck said, rolling his eyes and turning for the kitchen. Eddie hesitated a moment, then nudged Chris to go get ready and followed after Buck.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t,” he replied quietly. His heartrate picked up a bit; this felt like the times he and Shannon had stumbled into another argument, almost always seemingly in the kitchen and over everything, small and big.

Buck just shrugged and tossed him another of those wide, fixed smiles. “I know - you just seemed reluctant is all.”

“No,” Eddie said, shaking his head. He searched Buck’s face, trying to figure out what was going on. “What’d you get up to today?”

“Ugh, I did some spring cleaning.”

“It’s not spring.”

“Semantics.” Buck waved his hand. “It was a pain in my ass though - I swear it felt like I had a bunch of stuff I didn’t even remember getting just taking up space. And it’s not like I have a lot of it,” he laughed, turning to lean against the counter next to the sink. He took a sip from a glass of water.

“Did you get rid of some of it?”

“Yeah, some. Then I hit the gym. Been slacking off.”

Eddie raised a brow and pointedly looked Buck up and down. “Oh yeah, sure,” he said dryly. “Slacking off, totally.”

Buck’s grin crinkled the corners of his eyes, warming his entire expression into something that finally felt real. “Gotta make sure I look good for my boyfriend, you know.”

“He appreciates it.” Eddie huffed a laugh, relaxing and stepping closer, slipping an arm around Buck’s waist. He pressed a kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth, gentle. Buck hummed, a content noise, and tilted his head just enough that their lips met in another kiss.

Eddie shifted back after a moment, hearing Chris coming their way, and said, “I’ll be ready to go in a few.”

“No worries,” Buck said, picking up his water again. “Chris can tell me all about his weekend so far.”

“If he starts talking about snakes, maybe do me a favor and try talking him out of it,” Eddie said. Carla had taken Chris to a library program the other day, some wildlife educational one. Apparently there’d been a few snakes, and Chris thought they were incredibly cool.

He’d brought them up at least four times earlier that day. Eddie didn’t need to be a mindreader to know Chris was trying to convince Eddie that snakes were cool and they should absolutely have one as a pet. He knew his kid.

Buck just laughed.

Twenty minutes later they were in Buck’s jeep heading for Abuela’s. Buck put on some playlist he had on his phone for when Chris was in the car with him, and sang along - loudly, not necessarily well - with Chris for each song. Eddie sat out their little karaoke session.

Eddie and Chris headed up the walk while Buck locked up the jeep. Eddie didn’t know what happened between there and Buck joining them on the porch, but his jaw was tight again and his smile fixed wide.

He didn’t have time to ask, before Pepa was letting them in, giving Eddie a kiss on the cheek as he slipped by her.

Buck went ahead of them. By the time Eddie caught up, Buck was cooing at Samuel in Yareli’s arms, a big, bright grin on his face as he tickled the baby’s tummy before picking him up. Yareli laughed at something he said before heading towards the kitchen. 

One of Eddie’s uncles came over, asking him about work. Eddie was distracted the whole conversation, keeping an eye on Buck. Buck, who held the baby and smiled brightly at everyone who came to talk to him, laughed and talked cheerfully as ever. 

No one else looked at him with concern. No one else seemed to think anything was off with Buck.

Even Pepa and Abuela didn’t seem worried. They didn’t give Buck the usual searching looks Eddie got when  _ he  _ was trying to pretend he was fine when he wasn’t. They didn’t try to snatch Eddie aside at any point before or even after dinner to ask what was going on with Buck. 

Not one other person noticed that Buck was smiling a little too stiffly, eyes a bit too wide. That Buck was laughing just too loud, his jokes a beat too slow. 

He wanted to catch Abuela or Pepa and ask if they really didn’t notice anything was wrong. He wished that Mari or Vic were there. They interacted with Buck most of everyone; maybe, if they were there, they would also notice, and Eddie could ask what the hell he should do about it.

When Eddie finally made their excuses so they could leave, he had to wonder if Buck’s head was hurting with how tense his jaw had been for so long. There was no karaoke on the drive home; Buck didn’t really say much of anything, though whenever he caught Eddie watching him he got that fixed, fake smile on his face again.

Eddie didn’t push, didn’t  _ want _ to push. He didn’t want to start an argument over it - over Buck not telling him whatever was going on with him. He didn’t want to make demands of Buck, and end up pushing him away.

Not yet. He couldn’t rock the boat in their relationship yet. It was too fragile.

Would it ever be strong enough for that, though? He’d been with Shannon for years and it hadn’t been enough. Granted, a lot of that time he’d been gone, so….

Buck parked the jeep in front of the house, but didn’t make a move to get out. Eddie stared for a moment. 

“Aren’t you coming inside?”

“Nah, I got some stuff to take care of at home,” Buck said vaguely. “I’ll see you at work.”

“Night, Buck,” Chris said sleepily from the back. 

Buck twisted around, expression softening just a bit. “Night, Superman.”

Eddie hesitated after undoing his seatbelt. He frowned, trying to figure out what the hell was going on with Buck, searching for some clue. But he couldn’t find it. He’d seen Buck upset, angry, panicked, afraid… but whatever was going on with Buck now, he couldn’t piece it together. 

It made his stomach flip unpleasantly. 

“You sure?” he asked quietly.

Buck gave him another smile, a little softer but still just as… off as the too bright and fake ones he’d been throwing around all evening. “Yeah. See you at work.”

They didn’t have a shift until tomorrow night. 

Eddie swallowed the lump in his throat, painful as it was, and slipped out of the car without saying anything else. He got Chris out of the back, and headed to their door without letting himself look back.

He was afraid of what he’d see… or what he wouldn’t.

The next few days held that pattern.

Buck was full of laughs that were too loud, smiles that didn’t sit right with how tight his jaw was, eyes that alternated between a nearly panicked kind of wide and lost in thought fuzziness. No one else seemed to think anything was wrong though. Eddie tried bringing it up with Hen, who just shrugged and suggested Eddie try asking Buck what was wrong (as if Eddie hadn’t  _ already _ tried that, and didn’t want to try again for fear of  _ pushing _ ). He asked Chim if he’d ever found out what had upset Buck after visiting with Maddie, and got a shrug and some comment about her having no idea what was going on.

Eddie wasn’t sure he believed it, but he didn’t know if it was Chim lying to him, or Maddie hiding something from Chim.

Eddie’s money, honestly, was on the Buckley siblings hiding something. It wasn’t like they hadn’t done it before.

Still, it wasn’t  _ always _ like that. Buck would end up eventually relaxing when they had a movie night with Chris, all laughing at whatever they watched. Or when they were slumped on the couches at work late at night after a long call, Eddie’s head in Buck’s lap or with Eddie running his fingers through Buck’s hair while the others weren’t around to see it. The night Buck had spent the night, since they didn’t have work the next day, he’d cuddled up behind Eddie in the morning while Eddie made coffee, placing lazy, almost sloppy kisses against Eddie’s neck and shoulder. (At least until Chris wandered in and made an oddly-delighted sounding “ew” at them. Chris had laughed at how they’d sprung apart, too. Eddie was clearly raising a little troll. He’d blame Chris spending more time with Mari lately for that.)

After a couple weeks, whatever had been wrong seemed to clear up, because Buck’s too-bright and fixed smiles weren’t so common, not even every day anymore. It was a relief, for Eddie, but it did make him wonder.

Because he never had found out what was going on. And it wasn’t as if he felt Buck couldn’t have his own life and not share every aspect of it with Eddie - it wasn’t like that bothered him. 

What was bothering him, Eddie eventually decided, was that Buck had seemed not to trust Eddie with whatever it had been. Buck had been struggling, but instead of letting Eddie help - even if it was just to listen - he’d tried to hide it. Eddie was pretty sure if things had been reversed, that Buck would have wanted Eddie to share. He’d probably have asked about it, more than once.

Eddie had tried, that first day, but Buck hadn’t wanted to. And Eddie hadn’t wanted to push.

Things still felt so… tentative, sometimes. It wasn’t like any relationship Eddie thought he’d had before. There were moments that felt so natural and comfortable between them, kind of like things had always been since they’d become friends, partners on the job. They just… clicked. And dating hadn’t changed that at all.

Except when it had. 

Usually it just felt like a natural extension of what they’d been before. The gentle but quietly intimate touches, the kisses, the sleeping in the same bed curled together. It felt so  _ comfortable _ .

And then… then there were moments where Eddie felt like it was so fragile, that it could so easily fall apart if he tried to hold onto it any tighter. Times when Eddie was just  _ hit _ with their relationship, the newness of it and the differences. Sometimes Buck leaned down to kiss him and Eddie would just… be struck by it in an overwhelming and hard to articulate way. He tried talking about it with Frank, and that helped a little, but sometimes it wasn’t  _ enough _ .

Yeah, this was a new thing. This was Eddie letting himself  _ be _ in a way he’d never been allowed to, that Eddie had never allowed himself to think about. It was still a pretty new relationship, even with the years of their friendship backing it up.

But every once in a while, often for some small inconsequential reason or no reason at all, Eddie was almost terrified of doing something to mess it all up. 

Because logically, he knew that dating Buck - a guy - wasn’t  _ really  _ that different than any time he’d dated girls. But sometimes he just couldn’t help worrying that he was doing something wrong, and Buck wasn’t mentioning it but would hold it against him later. Besides, it wasn’t like Eddie had done that well with his previous relationships. He’d failed with Shannon  _ twice _ . 

Frank had stuff to say about that - about learned behaviors and trauma responses and fears being illogical sometimes. 

It only made Eddie feel more frustrated with himself. He knew Buck wasn’t his parents. Buck wasn’t  _ Shannon _ . It was unfair of Eddie to suspect Buck of doing the things that they had done to Eddie, when there wasn’t any evidence of it.

But Eddie was still afraid, sometimes, that it would happen.

“Hey,” Buck said, swinging himself over towards the couches upstairs with a hand tight around the railing. Eddie looked up from the book he was halfway through, smiling back. He always smiled back when Buck had that grin on his face, the bright one that radiated joy, that crinkled the corners of Buck’s eyes.

“Hey,” he echoed, slipping the piece of paper he’d been using as a bookmark in place and setting the book aside. 

Buck dropped onto the couch next to him, glancing around quick before leaning in. He pressed a light kiss to the corner of Eddie’s mouth. It lingered, just long enough to make Eddie wish they were somewhere… else. Somewhere that didn’t make his heart race up his throat with worry of being caught. When Buck shifted away, settling against the back of the couch comfortably, he reached down between their thighs and played almost delicately with Eddie’s fingers. Not quite holding them, but hooking his fingertips to Eddie’s, tracing the spaces between his fingers, curling one finger around to the inside of Eddie’s and drawing it along to the tip again. 

“You and Chris have plans this weekend?”

“Nah,” Eddie said after a moment of thought. “Nothing you don’t already know about.”

“Cool. Wanna come to a free concert in a park with me?”

Eddie considered him, smile lingering as he took in how relaxed and happy Buck was. He shifted a bit, so he was leaning sideways into the back of the couch, facing Buck. Buck mirrored the move, leaning in a bit closer.

“When?”

“Sunday afternoon. Figure after shift ends Saturday, we can just go home, and then the next day head out together. Go to Abuela’s for dinner.”

Eddie hummed. It sounded like a good plan - sounded like Buck was planning to stay the weekend, which Eddie didn’t mind at all.

“Okay,” Eddie says. “But you’re making dinner Saturday.”

“What, like that’s any different than usual?” Buck teased. Eddie grinned, resisting the urge to yank him in and kiss the smirk off his face. 

“What’s the concert?”

“Some band covering a bunch of Queen songs. I figured we could picnic it - and if Chris gets bored, we could head over to the playground nearby, let him have some fun.”

“Sounds perfect,” Eddie murmured. It kind of did, was the thing - in his mind, Eddie could imagine them sitting on a blanket in the grass, food in a cooler and holding hands between them, Chris sitting in front of them, anonymous in a crowd. Or watching Chris play at the park, watching nearby and standing close enough their shoulders pressed together lightly. 

It had the feel of a dream, or a fantasy. Like something out of a movie.

Eddie wanted it with a sudden, piercing ache.

He caught Buck’s fingers, linking their hands together, out of sight of anyone who might wander over. Eddie squeezed, trying to convey all he was feeling in that moment with the gesture - the aching want, the desire, the urge to lean over and kiss Buck when he couldn’t, how much it all  _ meant _ to him.

Buck’s smile went crooked and soft and he squeezed back.

Eddie startled awake.

His first thought was  _ Chris _ \- but Chris wasn’t leaning against the mattress and Eddie didn’t hear him.

Then Buck made another soft noise, soft and  _ afraid _ , twisting in the bed next to him.

Eddie froze.

It was only a moment, but for that moment Eddie felt almost panicked about what to do. He was aware Buck had his own shit to have nightmares over - fuck, Eddie’s own nightmares sometimes included some of that. But he’d yet to actually witness Buck having a nightmare since they started dating. It wasn’t something that had come up on how to handle. 

Buck made another of those soft noises, unsteady, almost like a whimper, and Eddie frowned.

Reaching out carefully, he barely brushed a hand over Buck’s shoulder, and when that didn’t do anything - good  _ or  _ bad - he leaned closer.

“Buck, hey,” he said quietly, touching his shoulder. “Wake up.” After a moment, he squeezed firmly at Buck’s upper arm and said, a little louder and more firmly, “Buck.”

With a sharp inhale, Buck jerked halfway upright, twisting to face Eddie while also pulling farther away. Eddie stayed perfectly still while Buck blinked at him, fuzzy and then more aware. He frowned a bit. “Eddie?” he rasped.

“Yeah.” He didn’t reach out or close the distance. “Sorry.”

Buck shook his head, the tension in his body slipping away. He slumped back against the pillows, blinking heavily as he settled down facing Eddie. “S’okay. Should be the one apologizing.”

“Nah,” Eddie disagreed quietly. He laid back down as well. There was still some space between them, but it didn’t feel much like it. The dark and quiet curled around them, and it felt safe and separate, like nothing else could touch this stolen moment in the night. “You okay?”

Grimacing, Buck made something like a shrugging motion. His nose was scrunched up. For a little while, they were quiet. Buck’s breathing was already smoothed out, steady and almost silent. Eddie found himself almost timing his own breaths to match, until his attention was snapped elsewhere.

“I used to get these really fucking creepy dreams as a kid,” Buck whispered. “Never ones that made me, like, wake up screaming or crying or anything. Just… they were creepy. Like that movie we watched with Chris, with the girl and the crawl space and the other-family with button eyes?”

“I can’t believe Chris didn’t think that movie was creepy.”

Buck huffed a little laugh. “Yeah. Well, I’d get dreams like that a lot, as a kid. Some of them, it would happen regularly, like every few months or a year or whatever. Like, we moved when I was a kid, maybe four? No, five, I was in kindergarten….” Buck frowned a little, eyes distant. “I dreamt that there was this - creature, some man that wasn’t really a man, who was living in our attic, and he didn’t want us to move in. And my parents weren’t home, and I couldn’t find Maddie, and then it was chasing me around. I’d hide and it would tell me it could hear me breathing, that it would find me and make me pay for making him chase me.”

“Jesus,” Eddie mumbled.

Buck snorted a laugh. “Yeah. I’d always wake up after he found me. He’d reach out and touch my neck, and it was like he stole my voice - I couldn’t make a sound, felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then I’d wake up, and realize it was just that dream again.”

“You still get them?”

Buck shrugged. “Not those old ones, anymore. They stopped when I was, I don’t know, twelve maybe? Sometime in middle school.”

“But you still get creepy ones,” Eddie filled in.

“Yeah,” Buck sighed.

“What was this one?”

Buck blinked at him, slow like he was sleepy, but his eyes were too bright for that. “The tunnels.”

Eddie felt his heart jolt. Buck didn’t need to  _ specify _ what he meant by ‘tunnels’. Not really.

“Except somehow I was down there, and they were big enough to stand in. And there was something down there, maybe a giant insect creature or something? Not a spider, but kinda. It was - trying to get you? Or stop me from getting you?” He frowned. “I don’t know. Can’t really remember. But it wanted to do something bad, and I was trying to save you and….”

Eddie shifted closer, reaching out and sliding his hand over Buck’s shoulder, up to cup his jaw. Buck closed his eyes, taking an unsteady breath. 

“Buck,” he murmured.

“I kept calling for you, but you didn’t believe I wasn’t the thing after you. Thought I was trying to trick you.”

“Do we need a secret code word for emergencies?” Eddie asked, only slightly joking. “I have one with Chris.”

Buck let out a short noise that was a little too harsh to be a laugh. “I doubt that it’ll be necessary. And if I have this dream again, I’ll probably remember it’s a dream at least. Doesn’t make it less intense, but makes it easier.”

He hummed, stroking his fingers through Buck’s hair, fighting back the urge to yawn. Buck reached up, curling his fingers carefully around Eddie’s wrist and drawing his hand down. He kissed it, clumsy in the dark but no less sweet. It made something in Eddie’s chest twinge.

“I’m alright,” Buck murmured. “Really. I’ll probably fall back asleep in ten minutes. Old hat at these kinds of dreams.”

“Sucks,” Eddie said, the sounds of it coming out more mumbled than not. He didn’t want to close his eyes, but it was hard to keep them open. 

Buck squirmed, closing the last distance between them, and Eddie pulled his hand free to throw it over Buck. Buck took a deep breath, ducking his head so his forehead rested against Eddie’s neck, almost too close to his jaw, but Eddie just adjusted slightly so it was less uncomfortable. 

They didn’t say anything more. Buck had one hand resting on Eddie’s side, fingers stroking in little movements that somehow were soothing. 

“Thanks for listening.” Buck’s voice was almost too quiet to hear. “I know it was stupid, but-”

Eddie made a disagreeing noise, tightening his grip on Buck, who let out a soft huff of air that Eddie felt more than heard.

He fell asleep after that. 

The next morning, he teased Buck about drooling on him (he hadn’t, but Buck didn’t know that), and laughed until Buck cornered him against the counter and shut him up with deep, biting kisses.

By the time they arrived at the park where the concert was taking place, there were already plenty of people there, closer to the stage. They settled on the edges of the grassy area, somewhere it’d be easier to have some space and slip away if Chris got bored later. Buck easily handed over his phone to Chris to play a game on while they waited, settling back with his hands braced behind him. He had his head tilted, presumably to soak up the sun - for once not too hot - and his eyes were closed. Eddie stared for what felt like an endless moment.

Chris wasn’t really interested much in the music, though when Buck sang along to some songs, he’d bob his head and pay more attention. Otherwise, he just seemed happy to be spending time with them, and in the picnic itself. Eddie exchanged a look with Buck after a couple hours, and Buck grinned and shrugged.

Nudging Chris, Buck said, “How about we hit the playground?”

Chris cheered, hurrying to help pack up what was still laying around from their picnic - mostly some cookies and drinks. Buck laughed, climbing to his feet. 

As they made their way to the playground, Buck reached out and linked their fingers together. Eddie glanced down at their hands, over to Buck - who was staring ahead at Chris with a crooked smile, and smiled to himself. Here, they were practically invisible. Just two people walking with a kid, spending an afternoon together. A couple, just like many others, and not particularly worth noticing. At least not here, in LA. 

They sat on a bench while Chris played, still holding hands, Buck leaning in close enough that their shoulders touched. They talked about work a bit, about their friends. Eddie talked about how Marisol and Vic were considering if they wanted to have kids sooner or later, and how Eddie was more than willing to let them babysit Chris so they could have ‘trial runs’ at it. Buck threw his head back laughing, and Eddie was hit with the desire to lean in and kiss him. Kiss the column of his throat, the sharp line of his jaw, his mouth and the smile there. 

He froze, just for an instant, torn between that desire and something not quite like fear of doing so in public. 

Buck straightened, and the moment passed.

Buck talked, briefly, about Maddie and Chim arguing about what color to paint the baby’s room. Buck had suggested orange, which had resulted in Maddie attacking him with a nearby pillow.

“What color have they settled on?”

“I think they’re going with green? Not sure, really,” Buck shrugged.

“Is she going to have a baby shower soon?” Eddie asked. “She’s due around the end of the year, right?”

Buck made a face, something a lot like a grimace. Eddie frowned.

“Kinda depends on some things. I mean, she’s having one, I just don’t know when yet. Holidays and all, you know?”

Eddie nodded. “Who’s planning it? Josh?”

“Sorta,” Buck said. 

Before Eddie could ask anything else, Buck said, “How’s the costume coming for Superman there?”

Chris had ended up deciding to be a cowboy. It was a lot easier to get stuff for that costume than an astronaut. 

“Abuela apparently found some boots she insists are perfect. Chris’ll have to try them on tonight - I swear he grows every weekend.”

Since they worked Halloween night, Carla was taking Chris out, and she’d been happy enough to take Karen up on the offer of going with Denny and Nea. She’d also promised Eddie plenty of pictures to make up for him missing it, again. 

They did have the night before off, though. Eddie’d been thinking of a plan, and since Buck had brought up the holiday….

“You got plans for the day before?”

“Not really,” Buck said, twisting a bit to face him more fully. He was already smiling. “Why, do  _ we _ have plans?”

“Was thinking of doing a bunch of Halloween movies with Chris. Since we’ll miss trick or treating.”

“Sounds fun. Are we going to eat a shit ton of candy, too?”

“No,” Eddie said, snorting. “He’s gonna get enough of that the next night, no need to give him a stomach ache the day before.”

“What about cookies then?” Buck wheedled. “There’s these cool Halloween sugar cookie ones from the bakery Maddie likes.”

“Nothing outrageous,” Eddie warned, but Buck just grinned. 

“Sure.”

Somehow, Eddie didn’t quite believe him. It made him want to laugh, honestly. He was so…  _ fond _ of Buck; whenever Eddie thought of how Buck was such an integrated part of Eddie and Chris’ lives he felt this overwhelming sensation of….

Well. Of  _ happiness _ . It kind of made it hard to ignore how novel that sensation felt. At the fact that, at some point the last several years, happy had stopped being normal and become something for brief moments or situations. 

But since moving here… since Eddie had hit bottom after Shannon’s death… it was getting better. Slowly, and not without a lot of effort, but he was feeling less overwhelmed and like he was just having to force himself through everything for Chris’ sake. Eddie was feeling more like his own life was worth it, too, not just Chris. That his own happiness was a valid thing to want and look for.

It wasn’t just Chris that brought those moments of happiness to his life anymore. It was the team. It was his family here in LA. It was Buck.

A glance back out towards the playground showed Chris and another kid both playing with the tic tac toe game on one side of the equipment.

Buck’s thumb was rubbing over Eddie’s knuckles, soft and absent.

Quietly, Eddie brought their hands up and kissed the back of Buck’s. Buck glanced at him, surprised and grinning.

“What’s that for?”

Eddie smiled. “Just… cause.” He shrugged. He hoped the slight heat he could feel in his face wasn't showing. “You make me happy, you know? And… I’m real glad that - that we’re here like this.”

Buck’s smile grew as Eddie talked, crinkling the edges of his eyes. 

“You - you and Chris? You guys make me happy too.”


End file.
